Shitty, crappy, handicap hand!

My hand didn't get better over night! The pain is worse and I can almost not use it. I can't manage to use any kind of force/strengths, so something as grabbing on or something is out of my way.

Everyday thing like brushing my teeth or to strap on my bra, was a hell of a striving. And I'm supposed to work as a waitress for 8 more days with this crappy hand? FML...

Has swelled up quite a bit...

Pain in finger joints

My first day for helping out for the Sunndal Cultural Festival, and at the end of the day I started to get pain in the finger joints. Especially after much use of the hands in any respect.

After such a session my fingers is stiffer, and it is difficult to make a fist.

I noticed it especially when cleaning, if I clenches my fist little too hard, I also get pain when I start to open it again. Especially at the joint closest to the palm, but also in the following.

Wonder if it is inflammation... Anyways, it's bad timing, I gonna work as a waitress for about 10 days, and I just started. And I do need the money! Can't get a sick leave....

FML...

Feeling empty

I don't really have something to say.
Nothing in mind and the day passed like that.
It's kinda lonely...

I spent the time with my amigo, we gamed, laughed and fooled around like usual.
But this time... I don't know...
I kinda feel empty, like it's only a shell who's remain of my soul.

It's not like I didn't had fun, for I did.
He is a good friend, someone who can make me feel valued, and whatever kind of situation he is always there for me.

Well... for the time being he hasn't ditched me in any ways yet.

And not least (!), he is honest and I mean really honest - he's not the type who goes around the bushes, and will not say something like "I understand you" or similar... really hate that phrase.

In situation I really have done something wrong or don't know what to do, he will say thing that I don't like to hear, but deep down I know he have right.
He is harsh and yet nice in his own way. He is himself, and that is something for itself - I like.

But somehow... today I didn't fully enjoy myself...
I know this have happened before, I kinda fall back to a empty shell. there everything is on auto gear, I respond, laugh, and I jokes to "the right times", but I'm still not present. My thought is like ".......", complete blank.

Some people will say that I'm depress. I have thought about it.
But what have I got to be depressed for?

Love?

A friend of my called me today, and asked what real love is. A word who have never crossed my mind before was now asked.

I was kinda put out of it... unlike me, I couldn't answers at all.

The emotion that all hunting and looking for, but few have experienced, have never crossed my mind before now.

The feeling that make you float on clouds and everything seems like a rose dance, sounds like an unreal fairy tale to me. Almost like a lie.

A hormone that produce in your brain and make you high on it, but as soon the brain stop produce it the feeling also weakened. So is it really something that is called "real love" then?

Can't say that I understand this feeling called "love", I won't force myself to understand it either. but maybe one day I will experience it...

Out of my reach

Humanity is so weak.
We are all looking for somethings that do not exist.
Just some words can make you feel either at the top of the world or down at the bottom.

I don't wish to be bond to that.
And yet here I sit, down at the bottom once again.

It's like I'm searching for something I know it's impossible.
It is out of my reach... I know that.
And yet I'm hoping for it...

What a hopeless person I'm...

Every time, I say to myself "that this is a dead end", and "I should know better".
However, as soon I deiced to drop this hopeless situation, something out of my exceptions happens, that gives me hopes and I'm back to square one.
Why do I do this to myself?